I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’m beginning to feel like my heavy heart will never ease. I could just be the time of year but I feel like the walls I built after all that’s happened in the past year are beginning to crumble. My suit of armor is growing weaker and happiness seems to get further and further away.
Last night, someone told me that I need to break through all the chaos and the bullshit and to think about myself sometimes. They told me that I will never be in the place that I’m trying to reach if I can’t let go of the past. But what people don’t understand is that I am complete over the whole situation and that I’m on my way to forgiving some people for what they have done. It’s just that I’m not over how down and out those people made me feel. I’m not over the fact that I spent days, months even, trying to figure out what I did wrong and why this was happening to me. I don’t know what to do to help myself forget the hurt.
Which brings me to another point.. because of the horrible things these people did, and because of the void that I feel, I’m almost scared to open up to anyone the way I did to certain people in my past. In fact, I’m terrified. I never want to feel like that EVER again. I was so broken and I’m still not done putting the pieces back together; how could I trust anyone knowing how evil people can be. I gave my whole life to this kid and got shit in return. All I got was a broken heart and ZERO appreciation. And I definitely didn’t get any respect.
Anyway.. I just don’t see myself finding happiness anytime soon. But somehow, I need to fill this void. So my search continues.. Wish me luck..
enough is enough, when will it end.
it only gets harder to pretend.
staring at a picture, wishing it was me..
me that made you laugh and smile,
but now that’s history.
our love is no longer like art.
it was beautiful in every way, shape and form.
but it was no masterpiece.
i felt abandoned, lost in a storm.
but it was there that i found peace.
so it’s different now. i feel strong again.
yes, i think about it now and then,
but i won’t let you bring me down.
you have her but you’re a lonely man,
a king with out a crown.
Everything is begin to work itself out. There’s nothing for me to worry about, nothing to stress over. And yet, I’m still scared. Scared of what might become of this happiness. Scared that it will turn out like my last glimpse of content which fell apart at the seams. I need to put my horrors aside, though. Dwelling on these thoughts will only bring me down. Dwelling on the fact that I have been failed, betrayed and broken many times before won’t do me any good. And so I go day by day, laughing every chance I get. Helping anyone that I can, just so that I can see them smile. I will gladly admit that making others happy is one of my greatest joys. Listening to my heart and doing what I know is right will continue to get me through the maze of life. I will remain on this path of happiness that I daringly decided to follow, with hope to overcome any obstacle placed in my way. I will not let anything bring me down. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy.
I have finally realized, down there on the floor- where I have been many times before has become a blessing in disguise. As unfortunate as a situation may seem; sometimes falling apart or feeling shattered is the sort of tragedy people must go through in order to grow. That once you piece back together what had been shattered- it not only creates a new masterpiece that allows people to admire it in a new perspective- but it helps the “victim” see things in a new light. My perspective has changed, and I have realized even the prettiest flower has to get through a whole lot of dirt before it can show off its true beauty. I have had time to reflect on where I have been and I am no longer bitter. I can openly acknowledge that the love I have developed for someone who has become a part of my past has earned a special place in my heart and he will remain to have that place, but i’ll keep it hidden and under lock and key and continue moving forward. Now that my head is in the clouds, I refuse to look down. I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I encourage everyone/anyone to come along as long as your intentions are as good as mine. Lighthouses, to me represent hope in the face of darkness. I pass this lighthouse onto you. May it bring you faith, hope and courage.
there’s a story behind every relationship; good or bad, nobody has it easy.
Awake through the night cause I can’t help the tossing and turning
I want you to know that our bed, our sheets, our pillows get lonely
On Your side of the bed. </3
make a wish and have hope.. big things will come your way
let’s toast to a new year. new beginnings, new friendships and new love. let’s live it up and hope for the best.
Maybe it’s not my weekend; but it’s gunna be my year.
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